Article Two

Turning Siblings into Friends

“Mom, he’s lookin’ at me!”
“I was not looking at him!”
“Yes, you were!”
“No, I was not.”

Oh yes, how many of us have heard these classic lines in our own home! It sounds like a TV comedy skit, and it’s funny until it’s going on in our family room. How about this old favorite:
“This is my side of the seat; you get back over on your own side.”

Or this one:
“He touched my stuff; I told him not to touch my stuff!”
“I did not touch his stuff.”
“Yes, he did!”
“I did not!”
Sounds like a repeat of the first skit, doesn’t it? They all repeat, and these lines of argument between siblings are nothing new but they need to be something old and forgotten before they drive the parents to distraction.

So how are we parents going to stop the instant replay of the arguments we all remember from childhood? How can our children become friends and treat each other with respect, learning to stop themselves when they get into one of these classic spats?

It is possible to grow up in a household where these “discussions” are rare, or maybe (hopefully) even non-existent. But first we need to remember that no two people are exactly alike, it is very unusual for two people living in the same household to get along perfectly well every moment of every day, year in and year out. Normality means that there will be disagreements and arguments, but those don’t have to escalate into all-out battles, or result in splitting siblings apart. We need to remember that if our kids fight at times, this is normal, but there have to be sensible limits to how fights are handled, and there has to be peacemaking. “Fighting” can be disagreeing, it does not need to be hitting, kicking, or that old favorite, pinching! It takes parents to explain not only what the limits are, but why the limits are there; no one wants to end up hurt and crying, and it hurts a child as much to cause these conditions as to suffer them.

The old saying “blood is thicker than water” is very true. Our family is the first line of defense in a world that often is tough and can be unkind. But it does not require actual blood, sharing of the gene pool, to make a family. There are now, and always have been, families composed of siblings, cousins, step-children, adopted siblings, half-siblings, etc. The family ties that are created by living together and growing, learning, and caring for each other are the bonds that last a lifetime. In a family with one child there are still cousins, special friends or neighbors who take on the value of siblings for the child.

The love of family begins with the parents, and children learn to care for each other by watching their parents, and by being the objects of their parents’ love. Some kids are of course more loving than others; some kids show their love by bopping their little brother in the head a few times a day, others show it by kissing, or hugging the baby until her eyes bug out! Love is sometimes demonstrated a bit roughly by children.

When a parent is confronted by this overwhelming show of affection it could be the time to explain the reasons why more than one child belongs to the family, and how love given away grows, and has no boundaries, so that a parent can love each child even more than before. Love each child the best, and tell each one why you love her the best. Erma Bombeck once wrote an article on this subject, telling each of her children the reasons he or she was her favorite. If your kids don’t understand how they can each be your favorite, let them try to choose between their two most loved stuffed toys, or any two things you know they love equally.

When you talk about loving each other, being together for life, watching each other’s back, and showing trust, brotherhood, and loyalty to the family, your children listen. We all wonder at times if these lessons are sinking in, but kids’ brains are like sponges, and they have metal traps for memories. They remember the good things we tell them, and if we are not careful they will quote these things back to us when we least expect it!

Some practical tips for helping children to be friends are always useful, even in the most ideal families. Here are some ways to put the words above to everyday use.

Having kids help each other, but giving them each some space and time of their own will teach children to work together. If a task is too difficult for one child, or one child knows how to do the work better and can help the other to learn, let the kids know that. Their time is valuable, and children really do not grasp that there is more time ahead; they think this is all they have, so let them know their help is appreciated. Of course this is a great opportunity to mention that as a family we help each other and we stick by each other, so that none of us has to struggle through hard times alone.

It is sensible to have an older child be responsible for the younger one when you are occupied or absent, but give her some time to be free of responsibility, so she won’t begin to feel she’s the parent. When the elder child is responsible for the younger ones, they all must understand that the younger child owes respect to the elder, but the elder must earn that respect. It’s always a two-way street, and if everyone involved realizes that in the end each one is responsible for their own behavior, then there is more likely to be peace. Here is another time to explain how families watch out for each other, and so keep each other safe.

When we were kids, I remember wanting to play with my older sister and her friends because they were all so cool, and had the best ideas, and made up the best games. Mom would tell them to let me into the games sometimes, but she did not always allow me to be following the older girls around. There were days when I had to go entertain myself. As usual, Mom was correct. There needs to be a balance of having all ages together, and then allowing the children to be with their own group. Kids will learn cooperation, and learn to appreciate each other when they know they will be given time to do things with all the different social groups.

It is never too early to start teaching children to love each other, and never too late to start making friends within your own family. The family is our first and most valuable source of lifelong friendship and trust. Take time now and then to tell your children that they love each other and you love each of them. After all, who among us ever tires of being told we are loved and treasured.