Article Six

Teaching Your Kid to Step Up to the Plate, Whether It’s Win or Lose
Accepting Consequences and Building a Sense of Responsibility

One young mother was watching her son playing in the front yard. He was about 3 years old, and as he moved closer to the street, his Mom called out,”Stay out of the road; come back up here.”

A few minutes later the boy had again worked his way out to the street, gotten the same instructions, and come back to the lawn. The third time the child stopped at the edge of the yard, looked back at his Mom, and then walked out and stood grinning in the middle of the street. Obedience had worked well, he might as well find out what disobedience would bring.

It brought almost the same results! His mother ran and lifted him up, saying, “I told you not to do that” in a calm voice, and deposited him back in the center of the yard.
Being perplexed by her actions, I asked my friend, “Aren’t you going to give him a time out at least, or scold him?”
She replied, “Well, if he did something really dangerous, then I would. But I don’t want to scare him.”

Oh. Well, perhaps he’ll be scared next time when he hears tires squealing right before a truck hits him.

The thing about Life in the Big World is that it is not always forgiving. Life will teach lessons to all of us, and if we shelter our children from the consequences of their actions then the lessons Life gives them may be quite harsh. Sure, we’ve all done careless things, or downright dangerous things, and gotten through without a scrape. I know I have tempted Fate a few times, and been lucky, or blessed, or had someone wiser watching over me; surely you remember such times in your life as well.

As we grow older we hopefully grow wiser and learn to adjust the conditions so situations are more to our advantage. Still some of us take a while to reach a point of caution. A man on our street went up on his roof to check wind damage; his wife was beside herself with worry, since his reactions are not too quick now that he’s 83! (He got back down safely, unhurt until his wife got hold of him.)

The little boy who walked out in the road was too innocent to realize he was in mortal danger if a speeding car came along. The old man on the roof should have had better sense, but it’s hard to admit one cannot or should not do all the things one used to do. Yes, it’s pretty amazing he could still get up there at all. At least he had to face the consequences doled out by a worried wife; the little boy learned it did not matter if he obeyed or not! He ended up back in the yard with his toys either way. Actually, if he disobeyed he was better off, since Mom would carry him, saving him the bother of walking back.

Do you suppose he will stop, look, and listen when he’s four years old, and his ball rolls out into the street? When he has a new scooter and zips out of the driveway excited about his new toy, will he be watching out for cars? In his experience being out in the middle of the road is perfectly safe. As drivers we have all seen this kid going down the middle of the street oblivious to traffic. We’ve seen the other kids too, the cautious sensible ones who are watching traffic and paying attention. When a parent scolds a child for riding a bike out into the road, that parent is serving up a lesson so that Life doesn’t serve a more harmful portion.

As our kids survive the physical risks, there are still the consequences of other choices they need to face. There is homework to finish (and to turn in!), chores to complete, tests for which to study. If our kids accomplish these things they get decent grades, extra privileges, perhaps allowance money. If they don’t, there are negative results, but do we let the negative consequences impact our kids? When they do not complete assigned chores, do they nevertheless attend the movie? If the work is left undone, do they lose the Game Boy for a time? If the lawn is uncut do they go to the mall with friends anyway? A lot of kids do still have their toys, games, and shopping trips. They are great manipulators, sighing, crying, pleading, and promising to do the job “Tomorrow, reeeeeeally!”

I, for one, would go along with that request, once. It may be the lawn doesn’t have to be mowed right now, while the entire crowd can only do the mall trip today. If a child is old enough to plan ahead, this is a chance to allow some independent thinking. But no matter what new plans are made today at the mall, when tomorrow comes the mowing is first. Dad, don’t go out there and mow today since you think tomorrow it might rain. If you do that, you teach your children to ignore their responsibilities and leave jobs to others who are more conscientious, and have already learned to watch weather reports.

Have you ever worked in an office with someone who shirks their business and leaves others to pick up the slack? If not, you’ve either not spent much time as an office employee, or else you’ve chosen all the right places to work! Certainly we don’t want to teach our kids how to shirk before they’ve even found a steady job.

It is most enjoyable when our child completes her chores and finishes her assignments, and so ends up covered in glory. But when she leaves the work until the last minute and ends up facing the loss of privileges, most parents find it hard to stick to their guns and deny the new CD or the sleepover with friends. One of the most difficult talents parents have to cultivate is consistency. Being the reliable adult in times of trouble is not nearly as challenging as being consistent while raising children. It is just plain hard to stick to the rules you’ve laid down when it is late afternoon and you have three hours left to accomplish five hours of work!

Those are the times we need to remind ourselves that one day in the too-near future our kids are going out on their own. When parents no longer control the consequences, children will be learning lessons directly from Life. Let’s stick to our word, bringing both the favorable and the unfavorable results to the children now, so that the Big World results they bring on themselves someday will be things they can handle. Teach them that each of us in the end is responsible for what happens in our own life. Let the results of their actions impact them on a regular basis, in doses just large enough for them to take. Then by the time they head out to face things on their own, they will understand that it pays to look ahead and be responsible for their own business. You know that old saying, “give them roots and wings.” The wings are the acceptance of responsibility, and the confidence that comes from being able to do it on your own. It’s one of the gifts we can give our kids that they will value all their lives.