Article Seven

Self-Confidence, Not Arrogance

Do you find arrogant people to be the most aggravating of associates? A lot of us agree with you! But brushing off such a person as a waste of time is an intolerant, perhaps arrogant, act in itself. Arrogance may be camouflage; a coworker of mine came to work in my group for a month to train for a new skill in a job he’s had for a couple years. Within a few days he had told the entire team his life story, his talents, his experiences, and how to perform all the new skills his way and not our way. This man was so full of himself he never bothered to ask about anyone else’s interests, abilities, or opinions. We heard all about him, over and over and over. Then we heard it all again, while he explained our jobs to us.

As arrogant as he was, his swagger was born of a great lack of self-esteem. His father had died, his mother and sister had both had serious medical operations, he was newly wed, all within the previous three months. No wonder he needed to seek approbation from all of us; he was dealing with events affecting every person in his family.

I saw him again a few months later and noticed his arrogant attitude was almost gone. He no longer needed a façade, he’d come to grips with his life altering changes. Hopefully when he is more mature he’ll handle the travails of life in a better way. Hopefully so will we all.

At certain ages arrogance is not unusual. Many two-, four- and five-year-olds are supremely secure in the certainty that they rule all they survey. Listen to a small child just learning to speak; most sentences begin with ‘I” because we begin life self-centered, and gradually learn to include other people in our circle. This is normal, and as my own two year old informed me, “I’m going through a phase; don’t worry, Mom.”

Words mean things; listening to a person speak you will discover how they feel, what they think, and who they consider important. When you hear “me and my friends”, “me and her”, “me and him” there should be red flags going up. This person thinks of only herself first, never the other person. To help avoid the growth of arrogance in children (and adults) teach proper grammar. Children who say ‘my friends and I” “she and I” “Sam and I” show awareness of and consideration for others. The thought brings the words, and words bring the action.

Arrogance may be misplaced confidence; for example, claiming to be good at football because one is good at martial arts. It is lack of humility and abundance of braggadocio. If one is very talented or proficient, the work produced will speak for the person. Empty claims also speak loudly, when results do not live up to the braggart’s noise. Oh yes, there are arrogant folks who brag and then actually perform well. Then everyone sees that this is truly a talented person and also that he is a pain in the neck, and no one wishes to be around him no matter how well he performs. Since everyone recognizes the talent why hammer them with superiority?

It seems as if some people are born arrogant, but are they simply supremely self-confident? Arrogant people never ask ‘why’ because they already know the answers, and they do not listen to anyone else. Those who sit quietly listening may well have expertise beyond that of the speaker, but also have the good manners not to show him up. How do we know to whom we are expounding our knowledge; we may be explaining the doggie paddle to a former Olympic swimming coach. A person who can barely walk across the room without tripping over his own feet might be an accomplished musician. If a child is criticizing or degrading someone, point out that everyone has talents, and a humble person is always cognizant of this fact. Do not break down self-confidence, instead add humility.

To teach self-confidence without arrogance, teach kids to be good winners; to say ‘Good job, thanks for the competition.” Teach them to say “Thank you” when someone congratulates or praises them. It is amazing how many people do not receive praise well, even when they deserve it. All it takes to accept graciously is humility shown with a sincere “Thank you”. But so often people say “Oh no, you did much better.” or “Oh no, I messed up so much”. Well, perhaps you did mess up, but now you’ve told the other person that he is a dolt for praising you. Not very polite, is it?

Expecting praise is not the same as hoping for it; when a person has honestly earned a nod, then they should have it; but use this precious commodity sparingly. Arrogance can spring from praising mediocrity, or from giving rewards that outweigh the merit. Sometimes a smile can be enough; other times accolades, trophies, or a celebration dinner may be apropos. Some of the biggest, brightest, best-looking people become arrogant, confusing natural gifts with accomplishments. Some folks having none of these attributes are full of themselves. Arrogance and conceit often appear together.

Rewarding behavior, or teaching it by example, will inspire more of it. Children are excellent mirrors; we’ve all heard children echo their parents’ words (usually in the middle of a large crowd) but notice their behavior to see which of your traits they imitate. This can make a better person of a parent who is humble enough to learn from her child.

You know your child better than does anyone. You know her history, her talents, her passions. Make sure you also know her friends, her environment, her dreams. Talk to your children, talk to their friends, ask them about their opinions and ideas; not as an inquisitor, but as an adult interested in understanding the child’s point of view. If your child has a personality trait you want to modify, you first need knowledge of the source. Knowledge is power, and when we know our children, we can give them the power to become the best they can be.

When your child tells you about “that kid, Billy, who thinks he’s so great”, he’s giving you a prime opportunity. Just remember that leading children to discover their own conclusions makes a more lasting impression than parental lectures, and it is more fun to see their faces light up with discovery than to watch their eyes glaze over with boredom.