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The Secret of Praising Your Way to Self-Discipline in Your Children

“I don’t want to. I’ll do it later.”

Ahh, yes, these are the words every parent loves to hear when they’ve asked their child to complete a task, “Now, please.”

So how do you get an 8 year old to want to clean her room now? How do you persuade a ten year old to put his baseball glove where it belongs, and not directly in your path to the front door?

Wouldn’t you love to have your child put away his clothes without having to discuss it every day? Would it not be a relief to come home to a tidy bedroom, so your daughter could find her dance tights without a search through the entire closet? You know the dog would like to be fed on time, and the guinea pig would feel better in a freshly cleaned nest. But does your child know and care about that? Well, certainly he does. It’s just that there are so many other things to do first; Pokeman, GameBoy, FurReal Friends to be named…

Disciplining a child is almost universally difficult for parents, but there is a far better solution out there: teaching a child to be self-disciplined is the real goal, and it is the ultimate answer to so many common situations.

We all know adults who make excuses and moan about neglected work. It takes no little effort to do all that is required to manage a family, and it takes a great deal of energy and dedication to carry kids to soccer, football, dance class, martial arts class, church school, Brownies, Cub Scouts, not to mention going to school! That’s only to get the children around; the parents still have to go to work, the grocery store, drugstore, bank, post office…it is tiring just thinking about the chores a parent has each day.

The majority of people do it all, with few missed appointments or lost items. Most parents have the self-discipline to set the goals that are needed and follow through to accomplish those goals.

So how is it that with these great examples to look upon each day most kids don’t clean their rooms, feed the cat, walk the dog, and finish every assignment on time or even early? Ah, well now, that’s a good question.

Just as we parents set out goals and make our lists, we must teach the children to do the same thing. Just as we learned that life is smoother when we do what needs to be done, our kids need to learn their world flows easier when they do their chores and take responsibility for themselves. There is a truth that with privilege comes responsibility. However that truth can be reversed and used to teach; with each responsibility that is accepted, there should be an accompanying privilege.

This does not mean each action needs a reward; you need not pay your child every time he cleans his room or makes his bed. Money is great, candy is dandy, but life does not work that way. Reflect on your own rewards for driving everyone to their activities; the sense of accomplishment, the joy of watching the dance rehearsal or the ball game, the smiles on the children’s faces when they learn to pump their legs and make the swing work by themselves. These rewards cannot be bought, nor be given to you. You must earn these things by action, and your child earns rewards the same way.

The challenge that parents face is helping their children appreciate the rewards that life naturally provides. A child can be taught to complete a task, but it is even more important to teach her to have pride in her own work. When they are very young, children are proud of their crayon pictures, and they run to you to have you admire what they’ve made. As they grow they don’t always come running to show you everything, but they still have pride in their work. You need to keep that admiration for their work, and expand it to include clean floors, beds that are made, and clothes that are hung up. The problem is that kids make beds crooked, clothes are falling partially off the hangers, and the closet door is not quite able to be closed since there’s a sock stuck in the corner of the door. At that point you need to follow the rule our Moms taught us: “Think twice before you speak.”

“That’s great, Timmy, but next time pick that sock up. “

“Oh gee, what’s the point? All Mom ever sees is the stupid sock, and I miss something every time.”

Far better to continue to observe and comment on the positive, on what the child has done rather than what they’ve missed. The missed details of a job stand out only because the majority of the work is correct; ponder on those things.

“That’s great, Timmy. Take a minute to admire your work; it makes a difference in here.”

“Cool. I can do this by myself. Oh, I better get that sock out of there.”

Yes, this is reality; yes, this will happen in your house, too.

If you are trying to learn how to praise children, remember that they are just young human beings. They will enjoy praise just as you do, if you bring it into their age-appropriate language. So when you receive praise at work, or from a family member, or from a friend, take a moment to consider how that praise was given. Avoid praise that contains hidden criticism, as the sock comment above.

Be sure that what you commend actually deserves your notice. Children are very aware of truth, and they disdain false praise. If you tell them they did well when they did not, kids will just figure you are too stupid to tell the difference. Reward a poor job, and that’s what you will get in the future.

Build self-discipline in children by honest appreciation for tasks completed properly, and in order to gain that approval that matters most, i.e., yours, the children will come to do their tasks before they are told.