Article Nine

Facing Bullies, Never Alone

Six-year-old Ryan was riding his bike home from the playground a few blocks away. He checked out the dirt crossroad, looking for cars, but instead saw three big 10-year-old kids standing in the middle of the road. They stopped him, yelling, “Hey! We control this road! You have to go around!”

Ryan was scared so he went around the block to avoid trouble. At home he told his folks. Of course his Mom wanted to hug and kiss him, but Dad scolded him, “What’s the matter with you? Quit that crying.” Dad told Ryan the horrible truth, that bullies won’t go away and you have to face them, or ride around the block every time.

The next day when the bullies were not there Ryan was thrilled. “I’m saved! They forgot about me.”

However the third day, there they were. This time Ryan remembered his Dad’s words, dropped his bike down, and stood in the middle of the road with fists up and fire in his eyes. “Ok, you guys, I live here, I am going home, and you are not going to stop me!’ The bullies took one look at this defiant little kid and left him alone. Ryan came home excitedly calling for his Dad, ‘I did it!”

Yes, this is a true story, and I know you’ve probably had a similar episode in your life. It’s also true that sometimes the little kid gets a bloody nose, but he still has to face down the bullies. Nowadays parents are running to call the police and charging bullies with assault. But those reactions don’t help the kid standing at the crossroad. If children don’t learn to stand up for themselves now, when they meet the bully in junior high, high school, college, or in the office, they will still be backing down.

As a martial arts instructor I am frequently asked about dealing with bullies; on the other hand, I have parents tell me they won’t let their kids learn martial arts because ‘it’s so violent’. The truth is that when you know you can protect and defend yourself and those near you, then you have confidence and do not need to fight to prove yourself.

The first rule is, ‘use the least amount of force necessary to control the situation’. Often that means just putting a hand up and saying “No!” as if you mean it. Alas, how difficult it is for many people to say ‘No” forcefully to someone other than their little brother!

Sometimes the fastest way out of a messy situation is to back up slowly to a safe distance, then turn and walk away. Is this retreat? Of course it is, and if you are not followed it is also success! If the bully sees your child as so powerful he can turn his back and walk away, perhaps your child is too powerful to be worth chasing. Just be aware that if there is an attack from the rear, there had better be some powerful defense! Although one’s back is turned one’s other senses are not dulled; be aware of what is coming from all directions.

Self-defense is legal and sensible–just do not escalate a situation. If the bullying amounts to mere name-calling, then the response cannot be physical contact. When the classic bully starts jabbing, or poking, or slapping you, a flat palm to his chest will sometimes be enough to push some sense into him, accompanied of course with a serious ‘No, do not do that’. (Note: This is not legal advice; if you have questions on this legality, consult an attorney.)

Many parents seem determined that their kids are never going to show any aggression to anyone, even if it means not defending themselves. If you drill pacifism into your child, consider the possibility that your child might do what Alan did when he was beset by a bully: absolutely nothing. Alan just stood there to be punched in the nose and knocked down. When he ran to tell his Mom what had happened she asked why he had not defended himself. Alan replied, “You said never to hit anyone.”

The first line of defense against the ‘tough guy’ is self-confidence. Children who know they can stand up for themselves without getting into trouble are able to look at a bully and say ‘No, leave me alone’ in a way that convinces the bully as well as themselves that they are brave and they mean what they say. Hearing his Dad’s words as Ryan stood strong against the big kids, Ryan had the assurance that Dad supported him and believed he could take care of himself. With Dad’s strength behind him, Ryan did just that. Knowing his parents will back him up gives a child greater courage and confidence to face bullies, not to mention math tests, spelling bees, and swim meets! Remember that kids are people too; we all like having someone bigger and wiser in our corner.

We teach our children to be non-aggressive, but we must teach them the difference between attack and defense. Many kids have no clue that there is a difference; like Alan, they believe that they have to take whatever the local bully dishes up. This is a dangerous dilemma for kids; can anyone do anything to them, and they cannot stand up for their own well-being? Let’s teach them that they are valuable, irreplaceable, and they have options they can employ to prevent being injured.

In both these stories, Ryan and Alan were alone when confronted. When children travel with friends, they are less likely to be bullied, so building a network of buddies can help keep your child safe. Parents need to keep in mind that the child is not to blame for being bullied; it’s the bully who is the cause, striking out because of something lacking in his life. Sometimes the bullying takes form in spreading lies. The child is not to blame here, either, and parents must be certain their child knows he is trusted, and that the lies are recognized as such. Everyone likes to be reassured that we are supported at home, and our kids need this even more than we do.

Girls often face more insidious bullying; backstabbing, ignoring, verbal insults, being laughed at and smirked at; these incidents are more difficult to prove, since the bullies don’t leave any visible marks. The bullies are frequently girls who are popular, or who already are known to adults as being well-spoken and courteous. When a young girl does not want to go out with friends, or is moody, or secretive, parents often blame her age and hormones. As every woman knows, hormones are not the underlying cause of every mood. Take time to talk to your daughters and find out what is really bothering them; is it a case of being bullied?

Children being bullied often keep to themselves, hoping that if they wait the bullies will either go away, or just find someone else to chase. Some children have joined the bullies in going after a new victim, hoping then to be left alone. Some young people go on-line for support from Internet contacts rather than talking to their parents. So after all is said and done, what’s the bottom line? As always, parents need to take the initiative, and keep talking to your children. If you start talking to them when they’re born, or perhaps before they’re born, then just know that you can never stop. Listen to your children, listen to what they say and to what they don’t say. Always let your last word be, “I care. I love you.”