Article Four

What Do You Do When Your Child is the One Yelling in the Mall?
How Your Child Can Develop Self-Discipline Over Anger and Disappointment

Last week I witnessed a scene that is all too commonly played out at the grocery checkout counter. There was that cute little kid in the seat of the grocery cart whining at her Mother about a candy bar, “But I want it! I want it!”
Her Mom said ‘No’, and the child started hitting her mother, still whining and complaining.

No, the mom did not actually give in and buy the candy, but neither did she make any real attempt to stop her daughter’s behavior, so everyone within 50 feet got to listen to this girl whining and complaining and punching at her mother. Some of us wanted to complain to the Mother ourselves! The child did not find any reason to stop. As far as she knows, these behaviors are perfectly acceptable, at least in the grocery store checkout.

In real life direct disobedience and angry behavior have consequences. They can be the cause of losing a job, losing respect of others, and getting one thrown out of stores, clubs, and restaurants, besides causing general disgust.

Adults like Grocery Mother need to get a grip on who is in charge, and it should not be the child. The child in the store was hitting her mother out of pure temper, and she has apparently never been given a different way to handle her anger or her disappointment.

Most parents will consider the cause of a child’s anger before disciplining a child. When anger comes from not being allowed to have a treat, the parent is not doing the child any favor by giving the treat to appease the tantrum. If a child receives the candy because he was yelling and hitting his Mom, then he will continue to yell and hit for candy; his Mom has taught him that is how to get what he wants. Counting to three, then counting again, then not following up with any consequence will teach children not to listen when you count to three! Consistent limits of behavior and consistent consequences will teach kids to believe what you say.

Discipline is not punishment. It is the way to teach self-discipline. Parents must both reward and punish, which together become discipline, and build children’s trust in the justice of their parents. Discipline is always done with love; literally there must be hugs after any punishment, once the dust has settled and everyone is calm again. Children are not mind readers; they don’t actually know for a fact you love them after you made them sit in the corner. You need to tell them and show them.

If children expect to receive punishment for misbehavior, and then do receive it, their view of the world as a place of justice will be reinforced. When a parent is consistent in discipline, kids will know enough to behave in public or face the consequences they don’t like once they get back home.

If a child is having a temper tantrum or a ‘meltdown’ and is out of control to the point that the thought of consequences to come has no effect, then perhaps you just have to go home. But what if you’re too far away to get back, or have errands that must be completed? If you are out visiting, there may be a safe, quiet room at your friends’ house, or you could take your child for a walk around the block until he or she calms down. When you are shopping or in church you can go out and walk around until the child regains their composure. Often anger is best controlled by having safe time alone, or by working. Physical exercise is a great outlet for emotions. If one is angry it is usually helpful to go for a fast walk or bike ride, play hoops or run. Children do well to work off their anger in exercise, rather than just sitting and fuming. But they have to be kept safe, as an angry child may not watch out for the cars when he tears out of the drive on his bike.

Some adults apparently believe that obnoxious behavior in children is to be expected, and that their children’s bad behavior should be excused by the general public. Those folks are so wrong! Most children are taught good manners and most kids are polite and considerate. They don’t care to watch a yelling, screaming child any more than do adults!

When we teach children that they will receive appropriate consequences for good behavior and for bad, then we teach them to think about the results of their actions. As they mature and have more sense of their own identity they also begin to realize they can control what happens in their lives a bit more. This is the beginning of self-discipline. If they know that hitting their sister in the mall parking lot will result in no candy from the store, they are going to learn to think about hitting before they do it. If your kid is one who decides hitting is more fun, up the ante; make the consequence bigger.

Normally well-behaved kids who lose their tempers may be quite embarrassed afterward and not want anyone to see them. They know they just made fools of themselves; kids are as perceptive as anyone else. Explain that they must think of this the next time they become angry, and consider why they should not act out in public. This is how we all learn to behave, by realizing what our behavior looks like, and how it makes us feel.

As most parents know, seeing our children disappointed is harder to bear than their anger because there are disappointments in life a parent can’t fix; sad times from missing out on a party due to sickness, or not having the money for a longed-for doll, not being invited with the rest of the kids, or being ignored. These things happen to us all, but knowing that does not make it any easier to accept the heartache! This is not a temper or anger management issue, even if temper flashes from a child at these times.

“It’s not fair! I wanted to go so bad!! I waited for months!”

“No, it’s not fair. I know you really wanted it. I know that you are really disappointed. It makes me sad to see you sad.”

These are the most difficult times for parents, watching helplessly as Life punches at our children. They will have to learn to accept and go on, just as we did, so they must have time to deal with the hurt. Keep an eye on them, but let them think it over. We cannot shield our children from all disappointment, but they do need to know there are other things coming to brighten the future. When the tears have ended and they are happy again, remind them how sad they felt before and point out how happy they are now. Teach them to have faith in life, that when there is bad that seems unending, time will pass and joy will come again. If they can see happy times ahead they can learn to be hopeful.
Hope is the greatest gift we can give, after love. We all need hope in life, all through life. Realize that your kids need to see this in action, though. If you are disappointed you are going to need to work through it and smile, so your kids can see that what you tell them is really true. We must give them hope; we must be our own.