Article Eight

The Gift of Integrity

Have you been asked the most dreaded question from your spouse; “Does this outfit make me look fat?” If you are absolutely honest do you answer, “Just a little, honey”? Surely, if you want to live a short, unhappy life!

When the neighbor asks ‘Do you like my new hat?” do you really want your child to respond “No, it’s ugly.”

Tact and courtesy are not employed nearly enough for comfort. We frequently hear unvarnished truth from children, and because they have no filters between their thoughts and words they may hurt people’s feelings by being unintentionally blunt. Some people believe that bluntness is a wonderful trait, and carry it on into their adult lives; an excuse for being rude is given as “I’m only telling the truth.” That may be, but rude is still rude.

Apparently the neighbor lady thinks her new hat is lovely; and so the response can be “It has a lovely flower”, or “I like the color”; this is a time when tact is a blessing. Teaching honesty alongside tact and courtesy is an important task for any parent.

When a child lies about completing homework and projects, the next test results will expose the lies. When the dog was not fed, watered, and walked despite your daughter’s assurances to the contrary, the dog is going to reveal the truth soon enough! (Have your daughter mop up the floor; she earned the consequences.)

Even if it takes 20 years, you must keep teaching honesty to your kids. There should be negative consequences for lying, and if we allow children to get away with small lies, they’ll go for the big ones.

However, teach the difference between tact, good manners, and lying. It is not a lie to tell the annoying person on the phone or at the door, “Mom is not in”, because although Mom might be in the living room, she is not in to the one knocking. It is a courtesy to Mom to allow her some peace. Oh, for the days when guests had to present their calling card to the butler!

We must also impress the facts that life will catch up to a person, and that one’s lies will bring overwhelming entanglements. We must make clear to a child that he will reap the consequences of his actions; if the consequences don’t matter then neither will the lies, and children’s consequences originate with their parents.

Most people understand that integrity requires correct behavior regardless of being answerable to anyone. Our aim is to teach children that they are answerable to themselves throughout life, and that their own self-worth and self-respect will depend upon their character. It is easiest to teach this by our example. When you borrow something, take your child with you to return it, or at least talk about what you did.

“What did you do today, son?”
“You’ve had an interesting day, and today I took the lawn trimmer back to Mr. Jake.”

When you are donating to the food pantry, enlist your child’s assistance. If you are returning the overage the cashier gave you, issue an invitation: “I need to return this money to the cashier, he gave me too much. Would you like to ride along?”

Show him it’s worth a trip to be honest, and it’s wrong to keep extra money. In most businesses the cashier would be paying that back out of his own pocket, so it is not some big store, but some small employee, whom you would have cheated. Let your children understand these things; it may inspire them to learn to make change correctly when they get a job in a few years.

My young son once tried parting my hair from the back, and when I asked what he was doing he said “I’m looking for the eyes in the back of your head.”

When neighbors tell you what your kids do, you can say, “I heard you did thus and so. I am proud to hear you are such an honest and decent person.”
“How do you know that?”
“Oh, I hear things, I see things. Mom’s (and Dad’s) know everything.”

If you cheat on taxes, or you take small items from the office, then don’t wonder when your children lift pencils from their neighbor’s desks, or take candy from their friends. If you knowingly accept the wrong change from a mathematically-challenged cashier, then don’t be surprised to find your children “borrowing” money from your wallet. Kids will draw a broad line when it comes to rationalizing what they want, so don’t give them a blank paper with which to start.

There are always the times when keeping track of kids is just too much trouble–we’re too tired, it’s only once. Those are the times you will be happy that you have been insisting on integrity and honesty all along. When you know your child is trustworthy and that you can allow him to go a little further from your nest, then you see him growing up.

Keep in mind that our children need guidance, and turning 18 does not magically make them adults, but guidance and smothering are two different things! Watching children is not the same as controlling every move they make. If they have proven themselves with action, then give freedom in tiny bits. Don’t push them over the cliff, but at least let them venture near the top of the hill once in a while, so that they learn to move confidently on their own.

Children fashion themselves after the people they admire, so trust your instincts and surround your kids with honest, decent persons. Get to know the dance teachers, soccer coaches, martial arts instructors. These people along with your family and friends will be the ones who will influence your child when he is not watching you. The friends you cultivate, who you bring home to visit after work, the families with whom you spend camping weekends, are material to your children’s character development. Contrary to what the pundits would tell us, we are indeed judged by those whose company we keep. We will have the most discriminating judges there are — our own offspring!

We also need to know our child’s friends, and where they are going together. If you allow your child to go to the mall with kids you don’t know, whose parents you don’t know, or don’t trust, then don’t be surprised when you have to go and bring him home. Some parents have had to gather their children from the security guards after a shoplifting incident.

“But it’s only a little thing! We were just having fun.”

Other kids will influence yours a great deal so make certain you know who they are, where they come from, and what ideals are valued in their house. It’s not being nosey to insist on meeting other parents before allowing our children to be in other homes.

So often now we hear the lament that there are so many dishonest people, that politicians are corrupt, that people are rude. The solution begins today, in each one of our homes, with our families. The changes that are needed in this world are going to come from us and our children, because we are all we have. We are it! We are the source for the future of Integrity.